Heaven is an imaginary place that each of us defines. It is a place where we believe we will be happy in the after-life (which no one ever comes back from to testify that it existed to begin with). As such, if we were to ask 100 individuals to write a description of heaven, we might get back 108 descriptions. Heaven seems to be a nice prison. There are no records of any normal souls coming out.

Heaven is this party that goes on forever - and you can't leave. You've got to stay; the boss says so. And he also insists that you have a good time.

The entire purpose of christianity/islam is to safeguard your everlasting soul. No one has defined what your soul is, but they want to safeguard it.

Do animals have souls? How about ants and ameobas? Ants are remarkably intelligent animals. Ants are so much like human beings as to be an embarassment. They farm fungu, raise aphids as livestock, launch armies into war,use chemical sprays to alarm and confuse enemies, capture slaves, engage in child labor, exchange information ceaselessly. They do everything but watch television. Why should they not have souls to save? Has Jesus Christ provided all the ant communities the revelations that they so desparately need to be saved? Inquiring minds want to know?

Apparently, you have to abandon your earthly atheist pets when you come to meet your maker.

If every religion states that failure to follow their creed will get you to hell, there is some question as to whether anyone goes to heaven.

An afterlife is an incentive? The best part is that you get to live forever. The worst part is that you have to live forever.

But, if you should somehow accidentally slip in,

You are sentenced to eternal life without the possibility of parole. You just sit at the right hand of God and it's probably illegal to masturbate. That sucks.

If you can't jerk off in heaven, can you have sex with 12 year old virgins (boys or girls depending on your sexual preference).

I have to presume they are on those heavenly birth control pills that prevent pregnancy. Who wants kids in an eternal environment.

Heaven must have an immense Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice.

Who sits by the left hand of God? The blacks, the gypsies and the mexican midget sumu wrestlers?

You just get to hang out with the Lord. Doesn't this get boring after a few billion years as you watch stars and galaxies forming and dying?

You may get to meet all your dead relatives in Heaven, including that uncle who used to molest you when you were a child. He's in heaven because he was a priest in the church. Or the guy who raped you because he was forgiven by Jesus.

You also get to spend eternity thinking about those who are suffering in Hell. Like your atheist kid, your Grandma who was a hooker... Now, that's a loving religion.

You should go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
         Mark Twain

Christianity does not provide for posthumous sex in heaven.

There are either no virgins to greet you (unless you consider old nuns to be virgins) or an interminable supply of wine and hot looking young virgins (sexual preference may not be considered).

According to the bible, there are numerous creatures that commute between Heaven Hell and Earth. Jesus and his mother went in, angels come in and out on a routine basis. Humans only go in and never come out. It seems to be a prison of some sort.... same as Hell but the climate is better.

People who have no annoying vices have some pretty damned annoying virtues.

Is there a difference between one second and a gazillion years in Heaven?

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