From Mark Twain, Extract from Eve's Autobiography ( Letters From the Earth ):


Today, in a wood, we heard a Voice.

We hunted for it, but could not find it. Adam said he had heard it before, but had never seen it, though he had been quite close to it. So he was sure it was like the air, and could not be seen. I asked him to tell me all he knew about the Voice, but he knew very little. It was Lord of the Garden, he said, and had told him to dress the Garden and keep it; and it had said we must not eat of the fruit of a certain tree and that if we ate of it we should surely die. Our death would be certain. That was all he knew. I wanted to see the tree, so we had a pleasant long walk to where it stood alone in a secluded and lovely spot, and there we sat down and looked long at it with interest, and talked. Adam said it was the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

"Good and evil?"

"Yes."

"What is that?"

"What is what?"

"Why, those things. What is good?"

"I do not know. How should I know?"

"Well, then, what is evil?"

"I suppose it is the name of something, but I do not know what."

"But, Adam, you must have some idea of what it is."

"Why should I have some idea? I have never seen the thing, how am I to form any conception of it? What is your own notion of it?"

Of course I had none, and it was unreasonable of me to require him to have one.

There was no way for either of us to guess what it might be. It was a new word, like the other; we had not heard them before, and they meant nothing to us. My mind kept running on the matter, and presently I said, "Adam, there are those other new words -- die, and death. What do they mean?"

"I have no idea."

"Well, then, what do you think they mean?"

"My child, cannot you see that it is impossible for me to make even a plausible guess concerning a matter about which I am absolutely ignorant? A person can't think when he has no material to think with. Isn't that true?"

"Yes -- I know it; but how vexatious it is. Just because I can't know, I all the more want to know."

We sat silent a while turning the puzzle over in our minds: then all at once I saw how to find out, and was surprised that we had not thought of it in the beginning, it was so simple. I sprang up and said, "How stupid we are! Let us eat of it; we shall die, and then we shall know what it is, and not have any more bother about it."


Day Six of Creation was a busy one

  • 5:59 am The sun rises.
  • 6:00 am God makes the animals.
  • 6:01 am God takes counsel with Himself to make man.
  • 6:02 am God makes Adam. Forming him of dust takes one minute.
  • 6:05 am After talking with Adam for a minute or so, God starts to plant the Garden.
  • 6:10 am The Garden is completed.
  • 6:11 am God puts Adam in the Garden.
  • 6:12 am God warns Adam about the forbidden tree.
  • 6:13 am Adam has breakfast.
  • 6:30 am God reveals His decision to make Eve.
  • 6:31 am God brings the animals to Adam to name. They are brought by "kinds," so not every specific species, let alone every individual, is brought. Let's say that it takes Adam eight hours to name them all, male and female, with a half-hour lunch break. (This is probably far too long at the time.) This brings us to -
  • 3:00 pm Adam takes a nap.
  • 3:28 pm Adam wakes up and meets Eve.
  • 3:29 pm God speaks to Adam and Eve (Genesis 1:28–30).
  • 3:30 pm We still have two and a half hours to sunset.

Why would god create Adam with two useless nipples and a belly button?

Please take note that Adam had a foreskin and was not created circumcised.


Eve comes to life and Adam jumps up and says,

Holy Fuck, where did you come from?
And where did you get those big bumps on your chest?
And how come you don't have one of these penis things ?

Yes! God had given Adam his Human Anatomy 101 course.

Okay, so to give everyone the basic rundown, typically, people have 46 Chromosomes, including two sex chromosomes (46XY or 46XX). Your autosomes (the non-sex chromosomes) are ordered in pairs by size, and one set of individual chromosomes is called a karyotype. There are examples of trisomy (where someone has an extra copy of a given Chromosome), monosomy (where someone is missing a copy of a chromosome), and other forms of aneuploidy (where someone has other combinations of missing or additional chromosomes, in regards to either of the two types, autosomes or sex chromosomes), but we'll stick to the basics for now.

So, we're all familiar with the story of Adam and Eve. God creates the world and makes a man out of dirt. He then makes Eve out of Adam's rib. And in Genesis 2, he makes them both out of dirt, almost like there were multiple versions of the same story amalgamated into a confusing, contradictory mess, but the Genesis 1 version is interesting for a very simple reason: genetics.

So, there's an inference we can make right off the bat. Eve has the exact same genotype as Adam. Which means she has the exact same Chromosomal line up: 46XY. This implies that Eve isn't a woman at all, but that she's actually a man, and not only that, is Adam's twin brother... or clone if you choose to see it that way. So it's Adam and Steve, not Adam and Eve. Or it's Adam and Evo, whatever the case may be, it's a same sex pairing. Adam was also apparently the first person to figure out what it's like to fuck yourself.

The only other option that most Christians will never even entertain is that Eve is the first male-to-female trans woman. Even if God magically changed her Chromosomes, the fact of the matter remains, that the change still happened. She was originally Adam's twin brother, had her Chromosomes and genetic expression altered, and therefore, she was still trans. The first couple ever talked about in the Bible, were either a same sex pairing or were a straight pairing involving a trans woman, and God himself is the first gender reassignment surgeon.

The truth is this, however -- male sexual tissues derive from female tissues. The testes form from what would have been the labia, the glans of the penis (the head) and part of the shaft forms from what would have been the clitoris. It's only at a certain point in embryonic development when a specific gene kicks on and triggers male-specific development. Women don't derive from men and clearly never have, in fact, it's the other way around.

I can already hear the creationists and biblical literalists crumpling their fists in rage: "oh yeah, wise guy? Google Mitochondrial Eve and Y-Chromosome Adam, that'll show you!" Sure, there's a real concept in genetics called Mitochondrial Eve and Y-Chromosome Adam. They simply refer to the one point in human history where all women derive and all men derive respectively. The mitochondria are passed on from mother to offspring, and the mitochondrial genome isn't prone to a great deal of mutation or cross-over events, so it's possible to trace lineages through specific mutations in the sequence (if you've ever heard of haplotypes or haplogroups, this is how they're mapped). Y-chromosomes in men are passed from father to son, and are likewise not susceptible to cross-over events or a lot of mutation, so the mapping of specific mutations can be quite handy.

A lineage begins at a specific mutation and ends either in the present or if a father had only daughters or never reproduced. Similarly, a mitochondrial lineage begins with a specific mutation at a particular region, and ends either at the present, when a woman has only sons, or just doesn't reproduce. So, in either case, the point at which all haplogroups converge pretty much represents a hypothetical point connecting all of the groups that exist in the present, the last universal common ancestor to all people alive today as traced through that specific lineage. Why is this important? Because Mitochrondrial Eve and Y-Chromosome Adam were not the first people and weren't the only people around at the time. There would have been lots of people around, most of them able to reproduce... it's also worth noting that they were separated by tens of thousands of years.

If I recall correctly, Y-Chromosomal Adam only goes back 190,000 years whereas Mitochondrial Eve goes back some 250,000 years, so that's quite the gap. But it doesn't allow for a literal translation of the Bible. In fact, basic genetics demands we take a more critical approach to Genesis as nothing more than a fable. But say we take it as true at face value: basic genetics implies that all of this hatred toward members of the LGBT community are rooted in nonsense. After all, their story is about the first gay couple..., or the first trans woman. If they're protesting bathrooms or people getting married, they're essentially protesting their own Holy Book. Then again, when short sightedness and ignorance meet up, the sorts of hypocrisy one can justify are astounding.

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